Blog

“Long Time NO Blog”

March 24, 2018

So I decided I should touch base with all of you who so generously and so kindly have followed “aheroinestory.com”. I am sorry to have fallen off the world of blogging, however I was not given a choice in the matter. For reasons that I will explain at another time. I was told to “refrain from blogging” about the daily happenings in the world of “Alderson Women’s Federal Prison”. So I refrained. It was in everyone’s best interest, as it was put to me. On some level I agree, on other levels I do not agree. However, I am scheduled to go home to Pittsburgh, PA on June 19, 2018. That is my top priority now. To get home in one piece with my health in tact.

Once I get home I will be able to go into depth about the many events that have transpired. You will be reading my blog or my best selling books! Stay tuned, one way or the other.

To say the least, I have met some very interesting women in here. A hand full of them will remain in my life forever. This experience is something that is extremely difficult to put into words. It is however, something that needs to be talked about. And I plan on doing that!

This blog, my readers, and my family are the reasons that I so graciously made it through the past 7 months. As you know, I had written a blog a few months ago, that I was forced to delete. There has been a series of events since then that I have agreed to not discuss in my blog for several different reasons. At some point I will be able to share this information with all of you. Now is not the right time.

In hindsight, I can see that writing has allowed me to preserve my sanity and it has made my time go quicker. That is a blessing. I just realized that being able to write in my blog from the beginning of my sentence has kept me focused and grounded as well as in this reality of actually being in prison.

I have met phenomenal women here. Women who I would have never had the opportunity to meet anywhere else. I feel a spark with some of them. A spark that says “we were supposed to meet; our paths were supposed to cross!”. Only in prison. Only in Alderson Women’s Federal Prison.

So yesterday, the Thursday flight came in from Oklahoma. Meaning that the new inmates were on their way in the door. So here comes Lacey! Everyone is hugging her and she is excited to see the entire unit. She is very cute with a bubbly personality. She was Roya’s girlfriend in the county jail. So I introduced myself and said, “well, uh this is a bit awkward, but God forbid I ever come back here on a violation and everyone is so happy to see me! I am not real sure how I would feel about that!”. She responded, “Yes, I know what you mean. I started my bid when I was 18 years old. I am 33 years old today. I was given a 10 year sentence for robbing a bank. I was with my husband who was 24 years older than me. I was an angry, rebellious kid. I was always being put in the SHU. Always getting in some kind of trouble. I started using heroin in prison. My life started to really go down hill fast”.

“Have you ever gone to rehab Lacey?” I asked. Her response was, ” Well this is my third time back here on a violation. They were all three dirty urines. Now this time I turned myself into my PO. My Po said this is the behavior he wanted to see, and he would work with me to find a rehab that would take me. Instead, he sent me a letter in the mail telling me to appear in court. I knew what this meant and it was not good!”.

So now I am baffled. Once again, this pretty attractive young girl has spent 12 years in Federal prison with not once chance to attend rehab to treat the disease of addiction that she is clearly suffering from.

What is wrong with this picture? Something is very wrong. It is 2018. in 1954, the American Medical Association declared addiction as a disease. Why is this so difficult for people to understand?

Lacey went on to explain that she was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous in prison. She celebrated 18 months clean in the program. She is aware that the program works and she knows she will need to jump back on board to get clean and stay clean again. When sharing with another addict how the program works, there is a deep level of understanding that takes place. A common bond. It is the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. If lacey commits to staying clean and taking direction one day at a time, she will thrive in the NA program here. Lacey has committed to coming with me. Let’s see if she follows through!!

So I was here at Alderson for about two weeks when Ms. Kitty told me there was a girl in my unit who has been at Alderson for many years, and that she was interested in making extra money by doing my laundry.  Her name is Brandy A.

She found me in the microwave room. I was ironing my pants and I heard, “Hey are you Sugarmann? Are you sure you should be ironing while you are falling asleep?” I have had a sleep disorder since I was 1o years old when my father passed away. The past two years have been extremely stressful. I spent those years waiting to go to prison. My world had fallen apart. When I arrived at Alderson I was unable to walk without a cane. I would fall asleep while standing or sitting. I was terribly unhealthy.

I looked at Brandy and we laughed. She has been my guardian angel throughout my time here. She is God’s gift to me. Brandy is here and she is a first time offender. She was given 15 years. Her mother left her with her father when she was 9 years old. I can’t even imagine that. What the hell was her mother thinking? Brandy got involved with an abusive man at the age of 14. She had three children to him. She finally left him and raised her children on her own. She began cooking methamphetamine to support her family. She was then indicted for conspiracy to manufacturing. First time offender, never arrested for anything, never in rehab. The judge sentenced her to 15 years in prison. Jesus. When the judge said 180 months in prison, Brandy’s father hit the floor of the courtroom. Brandy’s ex-husband stepped up and took care of the children. She is grateful for that. Brandy is not the norm when it comes to being a prisoner. She works in the facilities. When she works, she works. She does landscaping and can drive every piece of John Deere equipment there is! She takes care of the compound when it snows. They wake her up at all hours of the night and she goes! Brandy is one of the few inmates who has changed her life on her own. She stopped using drugs while in prison. That is a major accomplishment. She keeps her distance from people and she doesn’t get too close. You can count the people she chooses on one hand. I can see how this happens. She has good clear boundaries. She is a true loyal friend. She is very trustworthy. After what I learned about friends and loyalty the past two years, she is breath of fresh air.

Brandy is a God sent to Roz Sugarmann. I am her prison mom. She cooks for us every day. Cafeteria food is awful. I lost 50 pounds between September and February. Brandy has been locked up for 10 years. She has never had the opportunity to learn about the disease of addiction. She gets 300 minutes a month on the phone and she divides them between her dad and her kids. She skypes them once a week. Her kids LOVE her and they miss her very much. They need their mom. She has maintained as consistent of a relationship with them as she can. I respect her for not giving up. So many other mothers have done just that. Brandy completed Alderson’s firefighter program. She is a certified Federal Firefighter. That is a major accomplishment too!! For the most part, the staff here at Alderson respect her.

I told my family that Brandy will be coming to Pittsburgh at some point! I am more than sure that if I bright only one person home from prison with me they will be grateful! LOL only ONE !!!

I  have many more phenomenal women who I have met in prison. Brandy has become family. The others have crossed my path each for a different reason. I am getting excited about coming home. The simple thought of driving out of the gate gives me goosebumps. and puts a lump in my throat. This has been yet another one of God’s experiences that I have to figure out for myself what the lessons are.

The mail has dropped off over the past few months. It is okay though. I know it is difficult to write letters on a regular basis. My main concern while I am here is my family out there- at home. This has been very hard on them. Harder on them than on me. They have had to realize what life is like without their mother. It has been almost like a death. They have grown in ways that others don’t have to until they lose a parent. I guess what I am saying is.. if you are a friend of mine or “were” a friend of mine and you think of me now and then. Please replace the thought of me with a phone call or a text message or anything you can to let my family know that you are thinking of them. It will mean the world to them. It will also mean the world to me.

I am excited to come home. I am excited to go back to work. I am excited to see my family, my dogs, my cats, my house, my patients, and their families!!!

God Bless You All!

Til my next blog…..

Advertisements

Week 20 of 42 in Alderson Women’s Prison Camp….

**Half way Home**

The months go quickly and the days drag by. The worst part of being in here is worrying about my family out there. I have never been away from my husband or kids for this long of a time period. I am well rested and have lost weight. I was terribly unhealthy and stressed to the max when i walked into prison in September. I could not stay awake; my sleep disorder was full blown and I couldn’t walk without a cane. Over the past several months, I have gotten my strength back. I am preparing to make a serious come back, so Look out world, here I come!!! LOL!

When I first got here, the inmates addressed me as “Mrs. Sugarmann”. It was awful. I would correct them each time and eventually I became “OG” or “Triple OG” or “Mama Sug”, but “Mrs. Sugarmann”, just did not sit right with me. Then I realized that as an addict, our physical age and our mental age are very different. An addict’s age is calculated by clean time. For example, you take the age that you picked up your FIRST chemical, in my case, I was 15 years old, and then add on your amount of clean time to that age. So again, in my case, I add 34 years clean to 15 years old and the age comes out to be “49”. That means I am 49 years old MENTALLY, instead of 63! That makes perfectly good sense to me. I feel like I am 49 years of age and I act like it too!! If you are an addict, calculate your age with that formula and see if it applies to you! I know that when we did group therapy at Mary E. Steratore we would go around the circle and ask each member to do that. We would end up with a group of adults who acted like adolescents. The mentality of the group of addicts  were anywhere between 9 and 16 years old. That was truly their maturity level. All in all, at the end of the day being an addict can be an asset! I just thought I’d share that spiritual awakening with all of you! I am sure you will be amazed at your age when you calculate it!

I have been writing my book, as you all know… it is stirring up so many different feelings from childhood. My father died of an unexpected sudden heart attack when I was 10 years old. His death disrupted our entire family system and actually, we pretty much fell apart once he was gone. His death left such a monumental impact on each one of us in its own special way. While in prison, I have been blessed with a lot of “time” to think. Believe me, my mind does not stop. I have given a lot of thought to how my upbringing played into my addiction. My father’s death, my poor self-esteem, my drug use, my recovery. I remember always wishing my father would come back just once. It was always on my mind. Always. For some reason, after my father died I felt like I did not belong anywhere. I could not fit in. I had an empty feeling in my gut. My mother lost her soul mate. She had nothing to give me. My brother Gene lost his mentor and role model. My brother Frank also lost his mentor and role model. My father was a strong man. He had his beliefs, his morals and values. Both of my parents were 100% Italian. My father had a very close large family. Losing my dad was very hard on many people. While everyone suffered in one way or another, my father’s death left a huge hole in my gut that ached on a daily basis, until I filled it with drugs. My dad loved me. I was Daddy’s little girl. I felt the loss of his love very deeply and painfully. My mother tried, but she was suffering too much herself. My brother Frank was also suffering. My brother Gene’s love for me was the closest to my father’s as one could get… unfortunately his wife was not interested in sharing her husband with us. She did not want me or my mother around, and she made my life miserable to say the least. I am sure I sound as though I am blaming or pointing the finger… in reality, I guess I am. I can’t help but chuckle about how many adults make the comment, “I don’t know what is wrong with my kid.. I don’t know why they use drugs, I didn’t raise them like that”. Really? Like what? I guess this comment brings me to the reality that drugs saved my life and got me through the most painful time of my life. I remember finally feeling like the hole in my gut was gone. Well, at least for a while, until the drugs stopped working.

As I look around this prison I see so many addicts who have no knowledge about the disease of addiction. They don’t even know that they are suffering from a fatal illness. It is so very sad that these addicts are the ones who will die or spend their lives incarcerated. Why? Because people would rather not take any responsibility for their part as an addict or as a family member. Denial is not a river in Egypt!!

So where do I start when I get home? How do I re-build what we lost? How do I continue to help addicts and their families? It gets very overwhelming at times thinking about all of it. Addicts are dying everyday. The heroin epidemic should be called the “Addiction Epidemic”, and family members need to ask for help and become educated about how to become part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

My goal is to open another treatment facility. I really cannot imagine my life without helping the suffering addict and their families. I know my God will point me in the right direction.

It is beautiful here. The facility has everything that is needed for a beautiful addiction rehabilitation center. It would be a stay of one year. There would be a family program for 5 days. We would treat the disease of addiction, regardless of the drug of choice. It could be heroin, food, sex, codependency, money, or gambling. Whatever the addict uses to make them feel better. The real work does not begin until the addict puts down the drug. My dream is to turn Alderson Prison into Alderson Treatment center! You never know, dreams do come true!!

And so today is another day in Alderson. I cannot imagine leaving here and never looking back. I will be leaving many new friends, many professional, bright and well educated people who do not belong in prison.  People who literally have either made a simple mistake or who don’t really understand what they have done or how they even got here.

In closing this blog, I just left email and here is how extremely lucky I am as a mother:

“I love you mom. I hope you are okay. I was praying last night and I got this overwhelming feeling. I know it has to suck being in there, and I would never try to minimize it or act like it is not terrible. At the same time, I think it is pretty amazing. It just adds to your story and proof of how strong you are. You are pretty cool mum. I am so proud of you and so proud to be your daughter. I was at a meeting last night. The reading was on gratitude. Which is super hard to practice these days. So when I was sitting there listening, I started to think of everything I was grateful for. You obviously popped in my head. I am just extremely grateful you are my mother. I am grateful for our family. We have lost so much shit. Literally everything. And it really doesn’t even matter. I mean it is painful and it hurts. I would love to be able to know we are going to have a house to live in and that the electricity won’t be turned off when I get home from work. All of that is scary and painful. It just doesn’t seem too scary or painful when I think of our family. Literally, an immediate smile will come across my face. That is because of you and Dad. So I guess I feel the need to say thank you. I know I don’t say it often and I haven’t said it in awhile. So thanks. Thanks for giving me the best siblings in the world. Thank you for teaching me that material shit is nice, but it is not the end all be all. Thank you for not giving a shit about what other’s think. And thank you for loving me unconditionally. Not many people get to feel that from their families.
I love you and I miss you. You’re the shit. – Maria xoxoxo ”

How lucky am I? The luckiest mom in the universe. How can anyone fail with this much love and support behind them? And let me say thank you to all of you who continue reading my blog and special thanks to those who have consistently continued to write me or put money on my books. You have no idea how much this means to me. People in prison are pretty easily forgotten by many for one reason or another. Believe me, there is nothing worse than your name never being called during mail call. So thank you again, for thinking of me and praying for my family!

Till the next blog…..

“OG” 37851-068

Just an update on Prison Life…

December 1, 2017

“Mum, I didn’t get to talk to you much during that skype yesterday, but I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to worry things will work themselves out. Remember how you felt when we finally got to go on vacation for the first time and how relieving it was? I’m just saying you guys have a habit of getting through times like this and it’s times like this that make you and Dad who you are. I’m gonna go now. I love you. Nick.”

I can’t tell you how much it meant to get this email from my son Nick. He’s special. Nick has epilepsy, and he has had it since birth. For those of you who know Nick, you know what I mean when I say “there is only one Nick Sugarmann”. He literally has a heart of gold but enjoys arguing more than he enjoys anything in life. Thanks for making me smile Nick. It isn’t an easy thing to do these days— Smile that is.

The holidays in prison is not something I wish on anyone. It is sad. So many women in one place who are not with their children or their family. My head was in the sand all of these years, like so many others. I’ve balanced out a bit, at first I was anxious and trying to adjust being on another planet in a totally unknown culture. My mind continually spun and I couldn’t eat or sleep. Never have I been treated so poorly for no reason whatsoever. i used to think, “well, if you break the law then you don’t deserve any thing good.” I learned quickly that this is so untrue. Because someone is doing prison time doesn’t mean they broke the law. Yes, that’s what I said. Because a person is in prison does not mean they broke the law. The majority of inmates took a plea. I took a plea. I took a plea because I was told if I went to trial and was found guilty, that I could be sentenced to 10-15 years. “WHAT?” So, I took a plea, even if I knew I shouldn’t. I agreed to a two year sentence because I didn’t want to take the chance on getting 10-15 years. How is this fair? I don’t get it. Regardless, these private prison “camps” area  waste of money and totally useless in the area of any type of rehabilitation for both drug addicts and white collar criminals.

I owned a full service addiction treatment center for 20 years. We treated more than 3,000 addicts. We helped many addicts get clean and learn a new way of life. There was no good reason to shut ASI down. The real crime is that my family is suffering and will continue to suffer until I am free. I will have been locked up for 9 months when this is all over. They are struggling every single day and I am stuck in here worrying about them every single day.

I worked in the kitchen up until yesterday. Today I started working in the prison gym. THANK GOD. Everyone works in the kitchen for 60 days when they get here. I was there 80 days. The place started to grow on me even though I was there 8-9 hours a day and spent 3 hours every day doing absolutely NOTHING. It was torture. Two days ago, the main guard of the night glared at me all day and on into the evening. I had several inmates come to me and tell me about him watching me.

So towards the end of the evening he walked up to me, pointed his finger in my face and said, “Hey, you, why don’t you just stand here and watch the paint dry on the walls?” I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders and said, “Okay”. He didn’t like that. He said, “Really? Okay? Well don’t you dare expect a bonus or a raise as long as I am in here!”

Well I became enraged. I said, “Look here, in order to get a raise or a bonus you have to receive a PAYCHECK. That $5.25 per month you give me is not a paycheck. I am a VOLUNTEER here. Me and every other inmate here is a volunteer. We do NOT work here. You’ve degraded and humiliated me enough!” Then I proceeded to walk over and face the wall so I could continue watching the paint dry.

A few of the women shuffled me out of there at the end of the night because I could not afford to be taken to the County. The next day, with the suggestion and guidance of some long time inmates I wrote a BP9 on the guard. When I gave it to the counselor she immediately took me out of the kitchen and placed me in another job. This abusive guard worked at an all male prison and one of the prisoners hit him over the heard with a steel pipe. They left him for dead. He has a steel plate in his head and he was moved to Alderson Women’s prison!! What kind of sense does that make?

Not every Alderson staff member behaves like him. Unfortunately, nobody should behave like that. There are several that do. They talk down to inmates and humiliate them. They degrade them. It is unbearable and it is unnecessary. This is inhumane. Anyone who works for the Federal Government should be ashamed of themselves. And I mean that.

I have to get through the month of December. The anniversary of my father’s death is December 6th. 53 years ago. Sean’s birthday is December 10th, my clean date is December 13th, and Christmas  !!! Then 2018!! THANK GOD!

I have begun to write a book. I wrote the first chapter. I am very excited that I got started. I can’t stop writing. I have been talking about writing a book for quite sometime. I cannot wait until it’s completed. It is definitely going to be a Bestseller! haha!

I am sponsoring 8 women in here. I am not sure when or how that happened. It is definitely God working in my life. It is also a huge struggle. This is the most pain I have experienced clean. I don’t understand what the lesson is for me yet. I am more than sure he has a reason for me to be here. There is something here for me to experience or find out. I hope to discover what it is very soon. I am praying for God to reveal to me the meaning of all of this. It is my hope that all of this pain is what will give me a new life and an unforgettable spiritual awakening. These women in my life, this horrible place, these past 2 years of tears and tragedy, and losing everything all over again. It is explosive and heart wrenching. As I said before, the pain is absolutely unbearable. I can’t imagine not having a God in my life.

Thank you all for your ongoing love and support. Please pray for my family and me. That we continue to overcome this monumental disaster. I love you all.

 

#Wave #GameChanger

Please God, is it Time for me to Wake Up Yet?

November 11, 2017 

I hit a wall in here this week. An emotional wall. I get up everyday at 6:30AM. EVERYDAY. This place is spread out over many hills. The mail hill has to be walked at least three times per day in order to get to the mess hall. I am very tired. Physically exhausted. I work in the kitchen from 9:30AM to 6:30PM. Every inmate MUST work in the kitchen for 60 days. My first two weeks I was placed in the Medical Center to work. Once they realized that I had medical experience they took me out of there and put me in the kitchen! Ridiculous.

I’m going to talk about ME today…. it’s my turn to share….

I want to come home. I am tired. Mentally and physically. I am worried about my family. It is all like a bad nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I have not felt this level of powerlessness since I was in labor delivering my children. I am angry. I am tired. I am frustrated. My family is actually doing time. They are the ones suffering. I have helped others all of my life and now….. well, I apologize for whining and complaining about my life. I really do. I just felt the need to dump. I think what truly saves me is that I know in my heart that God is in my corner 100%. That at the end of the day, God is there for me. While I know that he doesn’t give me anymore than I can handle, I am still flawed and human. I still “feel”. Right now, I feel sad, angry, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and emotionally beat up. Since ASI/MES closed their doors on April 30, 2016, we have been suffering. There have been more than several OD’s and deaths of our past patients and this is constant. I am surrounded by addicts in here who have no clue that they do not have to live like this anymore. Is it really my responsibility to carry the message in here? I really am tired of fighting.

When I was using I was never in this position. Ever. I had no idea that ANYONE ANYWHERE in our country was being treated like this. I feel like an idiot. Like my head was totally in the sand. I can’t seem to put the pieces together.

Do you know that I get paid $5.25 a month? I bet you didn’t know that, did you? These inmates actually look for better jobs that pay maybe $20 a month. Maybe you think that “criminals” should be grateful for anything they are given? If you think that way, I will pray for you. Mind you… this is supposed to be a “Camp” for non-violent first time offenders. Better known as, “Camp Cupcake”. Not hardly.

So I will be here worrying about my family until June 2018. Wondering what the next step will be to put us back together again. Our life was yanked out from under us. After 20 years of helping and giving. Yanked out from under us by more corrupt people than I could ever believe.

I could be home on an ankle bracelet. These camps need shut down and send everyone home on a bracelet. Ankle bracelets to go to work and pay taxes. We would be worth more to the government. We are a total waste of money, and a total waste of time. I don’t understand the purpose of these camps. It makes no sense at all to put white collar criminals in the same institution as drug addicts. It’s like they throw people from all walks of life that are between the ages of 21 and 80 into the same institution and act as if they have absolutely anything in common. It truly is a nightmare. And NOW, there are absolutely no programs; no classes or courses; no trades to choose from; nothing at all to help the inmates to re-enter society. This is a sad state of affairs to say the least.

I am trying to sleep, but I am still in the bus stop. I was supposed to be out on November 6th. They didn’t get around to moving me yet. There is a new woman in the bus stop and she won’t stop snoring. If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck. So at 7:00AM I will go see the counselor and see if they will move be back into a cubicle. Everyone is done on prison time…. NOT regular time! Prison time means hurry up and WAIT! (Now I know how my husband Sean felt all these years waiting for me haha!!)

So have you ever seen “Orange is the New Black”? It is a great show and a great story. It is what happens here and it is so very accurate about what is going on in Alderson Women’s Prison Camp. It is pretty much the exact same at Danbury, which is the women’s federal prison in Connecticut.

This is a secret. This prison camp is not something that anyone discusses. It is not openly talked about anywhere. Women that have been to prison do not usually share about their time incarcerated. The reason? Shame.

I am so frustrated with all of this. On December 13, 1983 when I entered Gateway Rehab, My eyes began to open. The “fog” began to lift. I began learning about myself and the shame I was carrying around. The shame of not being good enough for anything or anybody. The shame of being an addict. The shame of feeling less than everyone around me. Where did this powerful feeling come from? A feeling that only “drugs” could take away. Then the drugs stopped working. I was left with myself. So I worked the steps with my sponsor and I went to therapy every week without fail. I prayed daily and asked God to help me change. Guess what? It worked. I changed. My life got better. I went back to school. I got married. We had children. I continued to change, the shame lessened, and I started to hold my head up. I walked standing with my shoulders back and my head up. One day I looked in the mirror and I felt proud. Proud of who I was and how much I changed. Proud of having a loving and caring relationship. Proud of my education and my career. Proud of our four beautiful children and who they were. Proud of building a life from the bottom up.

Saying, “Hi, I am Roz and I am an addict” no longer had any shame attached to it.

Then one morning the shame was back and it was back in full force. My head became so heavy I could not lift it. My world was crashing and my feet were coming out from underneath me. I could not put the brakes on. The shame was back. Do I use or not? Do I keep fighting or throw in the towel? I lost my business and all of the wonderful people I met as a result of the business. I lost my livelihood, my career, and everything we worked so hard to build. I could feel myself losing my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my pride. Was I going to lose my clean date? Was I going to lose my dignity? Was I going to lose my family? My home? I was losing all of the material things I worked so very hard for. Now the emotional and spiritual loss? Was I losing that too? After all, I was going to PRISON. How much can one person swallow? Prison brings such a negative connotation. It is so very overwhelming. I worked so hard to release myself of the shame I felt while growing up. The shame I felt from being so different than the rest of my family. Roz was the drug addict, and now she is in prison. The shame came back, and it came back strong.

So here I am. In prison, overwhelmed and trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together. One day at a time; one minute at a time. I am starting to release that shame. It is not completely gone, but I am getting back to where I was before this nightmare started. I have a new energy. I am ready to move on. I managed to  weather my birthday in prison. I received so many cards and letters from people in Pittsburgh. It was heart warming. The girls in my unit sang happy birthday to me. Brandy decorated my bed with beautiful hanging butterflies that had positive messages from the women in the unit on them! My first and last birthday in prison! I am going to make sure of that.

Thank all of you at home and those of you who are supporting my blog. I truly can’t wait to come home and see all of you. You are my strength and I thrive on hearing from you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

xoxoxoxoxox

#GameChanger #Wave

November 3, 2017 … Happy Birthday… in Prison!

“Sugarmann, let’s go, you have a visit,” the guard yelled as I just started my shift in the kitchen. “Great I can get a day off of working in the kitchen– Thank God!” 

I got dropped off at visitation. There was Nick, Sean, Maria, and Talia!! It was so great to see them. Anthony was missing though. I miss him so much. I miss my family. My heart aches when they leave. This is very difficult. I never want to do this again. I went back to my unit after the visit only to find my bunk 100% decorated in paper butterflies hanging from strings! Each one had a hand written message from the women in the unit. Brandy did the decorations; she made dumplings and baked me a birthday cake!! They sang Happy Birthday to me and I suddenly realized that I had NO camera. I could not take a picture of my bunk with the butterflies or the birthday cake that was baked in the microwave out of Oreo cookies and coke!!! NO CAMERA. There were no pictures of my 63rd birthday. Because there are no cameras in prison. There are no iPhones in prison. There is no Google in prison. There is no Facebook in prison. There is nothing here in prison. The women in my unit made my birthday bearable. I am so grateful to have these women in my life.

There is however, ONE Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Tuesday nights in prison. I chair the NA meeting this month of November. We do the readings and have a speaker share for approximately 20 minutes and then members comment. Christine spoke for me this week. She is a registered nurse who lost her license and is doing two years in prison. I walk up and down the unit every Tuesday starting at 3:00 pm, yelling that the NA meeting is tonight at 6:00pm!! Meet at my bunk to walk together at 5:30pm. And I tell them: “Chase your recovery the way you chased your dope…. if there was a pound of heroin or a meth lab at the bottom of the hill you would run there… NOW get your asses up and let’s go to the meeting!!!

Last night there were 10 women from my unit walking to the meeting together. It made my night!! These women have never been to an NA meeting or to rehab. So I shared that I am 63 years old and 34 years clean and my first time in prison. I have spent the last 35 years helping people. And I was helping people when the FEDS busted into ASI on October 8, 2015.

Does society know what is really going on with the sentencing guidelines? The mandatory minimums? The non-violent/ first-offenders?

Brandy from North Carolina was sentenced to 15 years for a drug charge, manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. She has 4 children. She had three years knocked off of her sentence giving her 12 years to do. She has never been to rehab. She has no knowledge of the world outside of prison. I keep picturing a little 8 year old kid using a cell phone and how a grown up like her is going to manage coming out of prison.

Bella, also from North Carolina was sentenced to 12 years in prison for conspiracy. I just read her paperwork from the courts. Oh my God she is not an addict and she never touched a drug. Her boyfriend who she lived with was a drug dealer. Bella was arrested and basically charged with conspiracy for “knowing” that her boyfriend was selling drugs. 12 years in prison. She does not even qualify for the RDAP (Residential drug and alcohol program) ! That is offered to addicts in prison and they are given 18 months off of their sentence! Bella does not qualify. This was her first offense and it was non-violent. She has been incarcerated for 10.5 years.

Gena is from Texas. She is serving 13 years. Gena was clean in recovery for 10 years and she relapsed. When she used, she started cooking meth and she caught a charge. First offense- 10 years clean, sentenced to 13 years in prison.

Kelly is from Florida. They call her “wink”. She is getting released on December 13, 2017 (my clean date!). I sponsor her. She will have served 17.5 years once she is released. She will be going to Tampa to a half-way house. This was a first offense for her also. She is extremely intelligent and has lost 17.5 years of her life. She is very active in NA in Prison. She is working the program. She has just started her 4th step. Her desire to stay clean and recover is awesome. She is a breath of fresh air!!

These are just some of the women I have met in here. It makes no sense to me that these women have never been in any trouble at all, and are punished to this degree. There are murderers who have been given less time than these women. Child molesters who have done much less time. The system is flawed. The government is flawed. It is upsetting to know that their are 1,100 female inmates in Alderson Women’s Federal Prison who are so unfairly mistreated. Who knows this is happening? Who even cares? What is the answer to this? It is unfair. The reality is: If these inmates would have been given a slap on the wrist and then promised to be given this hard sentence if they repeated the offense a second time I would bet everything I love that they would NOT repeat the offense. Why is it so harsh??? It makes no sense at all.

So I will have spent my birthday in prison, along with Thanksgiving 2017; my 35 years clean anniversary; Christmas 2017; New Years; and Anthony’s birthday.

I AM READY FOR 2018!!

Thank each and every one of you for writing to me and for remembering my birthday. All of you from the ASI veterans page are in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. You are making my time tolerable. PLEASE keep writing and PRAYING for my family and me.

God Bless You– I love you all!!

7 weeks down… 34 weeks to go…

Every morning  I open my eyes I have to pinch myself. Am I really here? Am I really in Alderson Women’s Federal Prison Camp?

It was Friday October 13th, and I was walking to work at 5:00am. I arrived at the huge cafeteria better known as ‘CDR’ and went to sign in. The lieutenant looked at me and then looked at his watch and said, “Sugarmann you are one minute late, you go back to working PM shift”. “Shit”, I thought, “I’ll never get on the correct sleep schedule”. For those of you who don’t know, I fall asleep standing up. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy and it is agitated by stress. And this place is STRESSFUL. Basically, I have been trying to be released from CDR for the past month. Everyone who knows anything about me knows I shouldn’t be working in CDR! But that doesn’t seem to matter. Friday the 13th would be my last day to get off work at 1:00pm! I had a skype session with my family at 3:00pm which ended at 3:30pm. I had another skype session scheduled for 5:30pm with Anthony and Talia. After my 3:00 skype I went over and sat at the computer and checked my emails. Unfortunately, I was horribly stressed out and I fell ASLEEP at the computer!!

When I woke up the room was pitch dark and everyone was gone. I looked at my watch and holy shit it was almost 5:00pm. Count was at 4:00pm. Count is EVERYDAY at 10:00am, 4:00pm, and 9:00pm. YOU DO NOT MISS COUNT!! When I looked outside there was not a soul around. So I stepped out of the email room and stood outside. Within seconds two white cars pulled up in front of me. The guard jumped out of the car… “Where have you been Sugarmann????” I thought to myself, “oh shit ya did it this time Roz”. I replied, “I was asleep in email”. He made me get in the back seat and within 2 minutes, the Warden pulled up, jumped out of his car and into the backseat of our car… RIGHT NEXT TO ME! It was a smaller car so our elbows were touching. He turned his head and looked directly at the side of my face. I could ‘feel’ him staring at me while I looked straight ahead.

He said sternly, “Sugarmann, you fucked up the national count”. Well I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew it wasn’t good! He then said very loudly, “Show me Janis Joplin… I immediately pulled up my sleeve and showed him my tattoo. “NICE”, he said.

We drove back to my unit up top where all of the units and the main pavilion are. I got out of the car and went into my unit. The guards walked me in and as I started to walk down the center aisle to my cube in the far back, everyone cheered and clapped and whistled ! I felt like I just received my diploma for graduating from kindergarten.

So much for staying under the radar. The entire compound, and I mean ENTIRE…. 1,000 inmates and all Alderson staff, know me as… “The triple OG who fell asleep in email and was missing during count.” I got a 300 series “Shot”, and the consequences were 2 weeks back in the Bus Stop and 30 days of NO skype. So here I am trying to sleep in the bus stop where the fluorescent lights are always on and people are always moving around.

It is Tuesday night, my day off. I attend the Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight. I go every Tuesday without fail. It’s my home group. I feel safe there. It is where I feel “home”. I sit in the circle and shut my eyes. I have a vision of old timers from home sitting around the table. I see Shannon L. , Joe B. (RIP), Kenny B., MaryAnn B. (RIP), Terry B.(RIP), K.J, Gloria, Barb M., Rox R., Mickey H., Rosemary R., Marla, Walt S., and Sean S. I see a huge cloud of cigarette smoke in the air. It is the Beachwood meeting at the Mary S. Brown church on Tuesday nights in Squirrel Hill. My home-group. Those days were ‘Golden’. I feel so blessed to have experienced Narcotics Anonymous the way we did back then. It was a “Gift” for us. A blessing and a totally new way of life!!

I counted 29 people at the NA meeting tonight! How awesome! I brought Jessica (my Bunkie), Garlic, and Kelly with me tonight. So many new faces. My Bunkie Jess came two weeks in a row. She touches my heart. God has intervened and is running the show. I wrote a letter to her judge requesting that she get to go to treatment for the last 18 months of her sentence. I ask God every night let this be granted to her. She needs recovery badly. She needs a chance to get her kids back. She loves them very much and she lost them to this treacherous disease. Her husband just got out of prison and he is an addict also… struggling to stay clean.

There are hundreds of addicts on this compound. Many have been given 5, 10, 15 years for their first offense. Non-violent first offenders. Most have never been to treatment or to an NA meeting. I cannot believe how much they do not know about the disease of addiction. THEY NEED TREATMENT!

THERE IS A HEROIN EPIDEMIC OUT THERE!!! What is going on with our country? What is happening to addicts? Why so many deaths? Something is wrong. Very wrong. People are losing their family members and loved ones everyday.

Teach others about addiction. Share your experience, strength, and hope. Educate your children. Do everything you can to gain knowledge, understanding and information to share with your kids. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Sadly enough, I truly believe that this is ALL that is needed to stop the epidemic. Not one addiction course is offered to children in elementary school, middle school or high school. The most they get is the D.A.R.E program. It covers NOTHING. I believe the solution is simple. Do not LIE to your children. They already know what you are doing.

Alderson Women’s Prison Camp is full of female addicts who have children. These children are the future addicts of America if we do not do something quickly. We need to educate them about the disease of addiction BEFORE they end up following their parent’s footsteps…. NOT AFTER. Be pro-active. Help others. Teach and Share. We need addiction to be taught in schools. Maybe we need a stand a lone school that educates the WORLD on addiction… hmmmmm.

Can you imagine how many government employees, police officers, prison staff, and politicians would unemployed? And what would Big Pharm do??? Uh Oh! That’s a whole new blog!

Pray and ask God to help the addict who still suffers and their families who continue to suffer…. the pain brought on by the disease of addiction is unbearable.

 

I love you all. Thank you for reading, and your continued support!!!

“_______ The Feds”

Week #5 at Alderson Federal Prison Camp

10/8/17

On October 8, 2015 exactly two years ago to the date, I was woken abruptly to Bobby & Teejay standing at the foot of our bed in a full-blown panic. “The Feds just pulled into the ASI parking lot about 60 deep in Uhauls. It’s really crazy up there boss… we need to get up there”…

I froze. I heard Sean answer his cell phone and say, “Okay Maria, breathe, calm down and relax. Pray.” Maria proceeded to inform us that 50 federal agents were swarming through our home as well. The dogs were out of control and barking frantically. The Feds were rude as usual and tore our home apart, but could not find anything. They did however find a $900 TJ Maxx receipt! For some reason that upset them! haha! They snatched about 4-5 broken Mac laptops and took them with them. They were terrible. Maria suffers from PTSD and has since done much work in private therapy on herself. The 18 hours we all spent that devastating day and night at ASI set the stage for what was the most traumatic experience of my entire life (along with many others). That event caused a terrible emotional hurricane. It ruined many lives. It killed many patients. It took addicts “safe place” from them. But for the Sugarmann Family; it slowly and devastatingly destroyed a dream.

I sit here now, in Alderson Women’s Prison Camp, in shock at what I am learning about our federal government. I am learning about prison terms and sentences for “First time offenders of Non-violent crimes”. The exorbitant amount of white collar crimes that have been punished with extremely long, long sentences. People who have never been in trouble once getting 12, 15 year sentences. People who are 100% innocent. Their lives have been destroyed over Federal Mandatory Guidelines. It is a nightmare. I had no idea. Addicts who have never been given the opportunity to go to rehab and learn about the disease of addiction. They never learned how to get clean let alone stay clean!! 80% of the population in here are drug offenders and the other 20% are white collar criminals. When you meet the warden, the first thing he asks is, “Are you a thief or a junkie?”.. I said “well allegedly I am both!” haha

This is a “Camp”, unfortunately it has nothing to offer any inmates with regards to classes or programming. All classes are full, waitlisted or just not offered. It is definitely a step up from the county jail! Jobs pay $5.25 MONTH!! All paychecks go towards restitution. Everything is purchased through commissary. NOTHING is allowed to be brought in.

Some how, being here, experiencing this, is a gift from God. I miss my family terribly and I ask God to watch over them and guide them daily. This is God’s plan and I have accepted it. The women in here have surrendered to prison life. They have surrendered to the fact they will be here until they have served their sentence.

For the past several days I have been put in the position to carry the message of Narcotics Anonymous. I am dumbfounded as to how many women have NEVER been to a meeting. God am I blessed to have been shown the program 34 years ago.

There is a woman named Jennifer. She is from Kentucky. She is 26 years old and pregnant. She was given 6 years in prison for methamphetamine. Her boyfriend got 26 years in Prison. They have 3 children and one on the way. Neither of them have ever been to rehab. She has shown up at the meeting the last two weeks. I have been so happy to see her. She walked with me home last night after the meeting. Jennifer will be leaving here and going to the program for pregnant women. She will be able to stay with her baby for one year and then they will take the baby home. She will then finish her time without the baby. Narcotics Anonymous can save her life and give her the chance to be a totally different person!

Jessica, my Bunkie, still has not gone to a meeting with me. It is so sad to watch her struggle. She has lost her 4 children and her husband just got out of prison. She told me that he is going to meetings and is trying to work a program. Now I need to get her to commit to go with me! She is serving a 6 year sentence over 54.1 ounces of heroin. I just KNOW that if she recovers things will get better. Her life will change.

I met Kara from Tampa, Fl today. Beautiful young lady. She is 33 years old and has been in prison for 9 years. She has one more year. She was given a 10 year sentence for driving the get away car of a robbery. She received a gun charge. It was her first offense. her co-defendant got 32 years. She had no idea that they were doing a robbery. She was a pre-school teacher at the time.

And finally, Brandy. I feel like I have known her forever. She is a good person with a great head on her shoulders. Brandy was given 15 years in prison on her first offense. She got 3 years taken off so she has 12 years to do. She already has done 8 years. She believes she will be able to leave in 2 years. This is her 3rd time in prison. She has three children. She is a very hard worker and her spirit is alive. I find myself in awe of her stamina and power. She does not count her time. She makes her time count. She does not complain at all. She will be part of my life from now on. She helps me to be grateful.

I wish God would show me how to do this. I need him to answer me. Show me what is next.

This is very difficult. This prison needs a documentary. We need to do something. There is so much to tell. So much needs done. So much is just plain wrong in here. I believe prison reform might be next ! Stay Tuned!

Love you all!!!!!

Thank you to everyone who has sent me letters and cards. I appreciate them more than you will ever know. Please keep them coming. Also, thank you to everyone who has given me some money for my commissary. It has helped so much!!!




 

Week #2 & 3 … “Again.. this is NOT Camp Cupcake!!!”

387cce43bf6588d314a91963c41bc3e5

September 14, 2017- September 28, 2017 

So, week #2 is complete. I’m learning more than I wanted to know about this life and about what is really going on in the life of the federal government. I was worried that I would make someone angry and get myself in trouble if I kept blogging.. until I was reminded about my 1st amendment rights! But really, I feel as though I no longer have any rights or any opinions at all. I must say I had absolutely no idea at all just how many people are serving years in prison over first offenses. There are hundreds of women who have been given sentences of 10, 12, and 15 years for things such as mail fraud, embezzlement, money laundering, possession of some type of drug, etc.… But when did this happen? When did first time offenders start having to do so much prison time? I am truly amazed at this situation. It is so very sad that this has turned into such a “big business”!

The set up here is the same as the set up in “Orange is the New Black”. Which took place in Danbury prison camp. It is supposedly “nicer” than this place! I’ve met some incredible women. While in the “Bus Stop” you are forced to basically sleep on top of the person next to you. The superintendent/principal of a Detroit school is on my left. We will call her Ms. J. Then Ms. TR, who is the person on my right is a very sweet girl. She hears voices. Her son’s little baby just died of SIDS and two days later her son hung himself. She cannot leave here to go to the funeral. The women in the unit took up a collection of food and made her a “basket”. She has been crying for two days. She calls me her “Ride or Die”! Ms. M, is my bunkie in the bus stop. She is in the bus stop over disciplinary action. She has done some years, and is very talented at knitting and prison cooking. Those are pretty much the women who are surrounding me in the “bus stop”! They are all waiting for a cubicle too!

My next group of women are women who came to my rescue to help me when I got here and was totally lost for the first week. Ms. W, was supposedly the “mentor”. She looks and acts like “Piper” on Orange is the New Black. She’s an attorney and should NOT be a mentor by ANY MEANS!! She certainly does not know how to help the newcomer!! I am a “Prison Newcomer” ahahah !! Ms. W, the mentor, is a snob. Her Bunkie is Ms. G, and Ms. G is really cool!! She has helped me tremendously! She is showing me the ropes. She also has a great belief in God and she has prayed with me many times these first few weeks! Finally! My new BFF is Brandy. She is in here serving a 15-year sentence for crystal meth. She has served 12 years and is hoping that the 1st offenders motion will be passed in November, and she will get out in November 2018. She is 42 years old, and she is from North Carolina. She works very hard and she is a truly fascinating young lady. I am amazed by her ability to keep a positive attitude and to stay focused on a task 100%! Then there is Granny!! (I might have to bring her home with me from here…… do not tell my family hahaha!!) Granny got arrested for selling pain pills. She has been here 2 years and she has 2 years left. She is 68 years old. I love her to death. Everyday there are more women to add to the list. This is a life of its own. I cannot imagine settling into being here for years and years. However, many are left with no choice whatsoever.

The saddest situation is that nothing mentioned on the Alderson website is offered here anymore. There are several beautiful cottages where inmates used to reside. Martha Stewart had every one of them shut down because they are full of asbestos! So, they are standing there taking up space doing nothing. EMPTY. There are no tennis courts, no swimming pools, no racquet ball etc. Nothing offered on the website is here. Nothing. There are 1,000 women here with basically nothing but idle time and a bunch of rules. Very punitive. Not rehabilitative. I am very aware that this is prison. However, the majority of inmates are here on drug charges. They need rehabilitation… DUH!!!!!

So today I finally got moved to a cubicle!!! Hurray!! My Bunkie is 31 years old. She is a heroin addict, and she was given 5 years for selling a few grams of heroin. She had 4 kids and lost her parental rights. First offense. She has been in treatment one time. She clearly needs long term treatment. I 12-stepped her las night of course and tried to get her to come to the meeting with me. She said she would come next week. I believe she will. She is full of fear and sadness. This disease has stripped her of everything. It is so very sad. She needs a chance to recover. Her group of friends are all addicts. They all need meetings. I’ll get them!! One by one. They all need educated and informed. They have no clue about addiction.

I guess I found ONE reason for why I am in here.

So, when is the new Prison reality show on the 12-step program!!!!! Getting clean in prison!!! Easy as 1,2,3,4! There is a heroin epidemic world! We need more recovery. Why is this taking so long to figure it out?? There has been a reality show on every damn thing from housewives to the Kardashians to teenage moms! Where is the 12 steppers reality show? OH! Right here! From 1960’s Drug addict to heroin addict to rehab in 1983 to Masters/Doctorate – married with 4 children- therapist- to ASI and MES to PRISON! Come on— who would NOT watch this show!! Hahaha

Well, I am all settled into my new apartment guys! I have been in prison for 3 weeks already! And I hope time continues to fly by! I will be learning to KNIT soon! Stay tuned to what is coming next!!

Thank you all sooooo much for your letters and emails!! They mean the world to me and I would never have been able to get through what has been the worst 2 years of my life without your love and support. Love you all!! #GameChanger #Wave #AheroineStory

“Camp Cupcake…..”

Week 1

Sept.7 – 14
So let me tell all of you that what I experienced this first week at FPC was NOT what I expected it to be ! I got dropped off by Barb, Harry and my hubby Sean. I hugged everyone and got in the truck with the guard. I then went to the Admissions Building! Oh God I met such an unhappy young woman! She was NOT a Happy Camper! haha I asked her questions and she “grunted”…..”Strip down, bend over, cough three times hard”……….that was the first time I could understand her GRUNTS !! She proceeded to ask me to hand her my glasses. She said,”These are PRADA. They are entirely too expensive to have here.” I told her to give them to me because I’m BLIND !

I was put in the “busstop” which is for inmates who are brand new” or inmnates who have disciplinary problems! What a perfect mix !! In other words, they mix new people who are scared to death with people who are ANGRY as hell !!! These two groups reside together for approx. two weeks or more before they are given a cubicle for two people. The cubicle has two inmates, two lockers; a desk; a bulletin and a bunk bed. Amazingly enough, the inmates are very kind, very helpful and considerate. HOWEVER, I DID get into an altercation….well, TWO altercations !! haha The little girl in the bunk next to me decided to tell me that I needed to make my bed and sweep up after myself!!! Hmmmmm….well my head was in my locker when it finally hit me………..”no she didn’t…..is she kidding?” I SLAMMED MY LOCKER DOOR and looked at her and I said, “You need to stop with that mouth and that attitude. I don’t know what your momma taught you about respecting your elders but obviously you can start with me!!!”

Two days later, the young girl on my top bunk called me over. I could see by the look on her face that she wanted to say something that I wasn’t going to LIKE ! She proceeded to tell me that my shoes needed LINED UP under my bed…..” I said, “Do I have a sign on my chest that says, ‘Come abuse me ? If you see that sign there, just ignore it and keep walking…..’ I said it very loud..and i also received a TON OF SUPPORT !! hahaha

This place is full of addicts !!! The majority of charges are drug charges. There are 1000 inmates. 900 drug charges.They offer a program called “RDAP”—-Residential Drug & Alcohol Program! People are on a waiting list to get in.It is cognitive behavioral therapy…….it teaches addicts to say NO. Like Nancy Reagan tried to do !!!!! Nancy tried to teach addicts to……….JUST SAY NO ! What a joke !!!! If it was so damn simple to muster up some willpower to just say no, there would not be a prison full of addicts or a country wide opiate epidemic killing addicts every day!

The saddest thing ever is that there is ONE and only one Narcotics Anonymous Meeting on this Compound. One. And it is NOT mandatory for anyone to attend. So the Addicts here are NOT required to attend any meetings or learn about the disease concept of addiction and many of them have never even heard of the MIRACLE OF RECOVERY let alone HOW to GET CLEAN ! There are so so many with drug related charges and first time offenders who have been sentenced to many, many years and they have never ever been to treatment. They’ve never been taught that Addiction is a disease. All of us who have been given THE GIFT OF RECOVERY or better yet, A GIFT CALLED LIFE are SO VERY FORTUNATE. Gratitude. I have been shown gratitude. I’m on a mission to get the NA meeting to GROW HERE. The other bad thing is that the meeting is at the bottom of a very very long hill that the handicap must ride a van to get down and to get back up. So, the meeting is not conducive to the handicap attending because they have no way to get there or to get back to their unit. I have to see what I can do to get that changed. Also, there needs to be an H & I meeting in here………….that’s next.

When I walked into the meeting on Tuesday night I cried. I felt safe. That same safe feeling that I felt 34 years ago when I walked into my first NA meeting on the outside. I felt love, I felt fellowship, I felt compassion………I felt recovery. I’m not sure how to carry the message in here. I shared in the meeting that Narcotics Anonymous SAVED MY LIFE AND GAVE ME A LIFE. I wanted so badly to let them all know that if they NEVER KNEW OF A BETTER WAY OF LIFE THAT THERE IS ONE. That Narcotics Anonymous can give any addict a new way to live. That they have the opportunity to be freed from the bondage of active addiction.

My son said to me, “Mum, do what you know. Do what you believe works. Go back to what you know and to what you believe.” What a profound statement out of the mouth of babes. It’s usually one of my kids that wakes me up and grounds me with no intention to do so. I’m here for a reason. I don’t want to be here. I don’t like it here. My heart aches for my family and for my friends. But God has another plan and I’m going to stick around and find out what it is. He ALWAYS has a reason for what he does………….I trust and believe it’s all in my best interest.

I’m gonna hang on………..stay tuned for Week #2………………….

Don’t bail 5 minutes before the miracle happens……………………….

#Gamechanger #Wave

Why All the Relapse? Why All the Deaths?

After being a member of narcotics anonymous for 34 years I have seen more relapse and overdoses than I care to share about. Many of these are fatal. In fact most of them are fatal. When I sit down to do an intake with someone and I ask the question “how many times have you been in rehab?” The answer to that question is unbelievable. It’s always more than 5 times or it’s 10 or 15 or 20 times. What is going on? The focus always is the drug. The focus in rehab is the drug, the focus in the 12 step program is the drug, the focus in detox is the drug and then once the addicts are amongst their peers the topic of discussion is the drug. What the addict fails to realize is that the drug is not the problem. Let me say that again what everybody fails to realize is that the drug is not a problem. Drugs feel good. Drugs feel good to everybody. Which is why alcohol is legal. And which is why marijuana is going to be legal. Because they make you feel good. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good. There is something wrong with not being able to stop using that drug. There is something wrong with not addressing why the addict feels BAD and why they have a need to use something or someone to make them feel better. Hence, enter addiction. So really the focus immediately should be on how one feels before they pick up that drug not after. We all know how somebody feels after they pick up a drug!  They feel great! No matter who they are! Oh now don’t get me wrong I know the first time that someone uses a drug they might get sick or they might throw up but after that passes they feel great. So why, when a group of 15-year-olds get together and all decide they’re going to get drunk for the first time or smoke weed for the first time are SOME of these kids unable to stop? Why do some of these kids continue to smoke weed and drink on a daily basis while others experimented once or twice and could drink or smoke weed occasionally? What is the reason for that? The reason is that those ones who were unable to stop using and who drink or smoke weed constantly are most likely the ones who do not like themselves or feel bad about themselves before they pick up the drink or drug or food or person or whatever makes him feel better. 

When this person finally goes for help they put the drug down and they are left with the same feeling that they had before they picked up the drug. Feeling of inadequacy, feeling of low self-esteem, feeling of low self-worth, the feeling of just not being good enough. Why is this not addressed immediately when they get to treatment? Why are they sitting around Rehab telling war stories? Why don’t the counselors know how to address these issues. The program is taught in rehab. And the patient is told to do 90 meetings in 90 days;  to get a sponsor; to get a home group and to pray. How they feel the minute they put the drug down is not addressed. And truthfully in the people who continue to relapse that underlying the issue is never addressed. Hence the addict goes to rehab again and again and again. Who they are and how they feel before they pick up a drink or drug or food or shopping or gambling or sex is not ever addressed. It should be addressed in rehab and in the 12 step program. Instead what’s addressed is the drug itself and the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more.
Truthfully meetings work for a while and people get some cleantime. They get 2,3,4,5,6 years clean and then they relapse and it gets worse and their addiction progresses and then they go back to rehab.

All kinds of time and energy is spent on controversy. It’s spent on who is taking Suboxone and who is on methadone and who is smoking weed and who is lying about their clean date.  
If you use drugs you go to NA; if you use food you go to OA; if you gamble you go to GA; if you use sex you go to Sex Addicts anonymous; if you use cocaine you go to CA and if you use alcohol you go to AA. Then there is Al-Anon, Naranon and Coda! They have made a complicated mess out of things. Once you realize that all of the energy is put on what a person uses instead of why they are using it the work can begin.  
There is nothing wrong with an addict taking medication and using it to assist them in their recovery such as Suboxone and or methadone. There I said it. If you want I’ll say it again. Addicts are dying every day in HUGE numbers. Dropping dead left and right. We are now supplying the world with Narcan. We continue to put a Band-Aid on the wound and we never clean out the wound itself because we are too busy worrying about whether or not that person shared in a meeting while they were taking Suboxone. That is extremely shallow.
I heard there was going to be a new rehab in Florida that addresses the underlying issues. I heard that you cannot get in this rehab unless you have been in three or more rehabilitation centers. From what I understand it does not matter what your drug of choice is to get in this treatment center. I believe it is approximately $8000 cash for a 30 day stay. No insurance accepted. That is a very cheap price to pay for that kind of rehabilitation. If you need more information on this let me know I will try my best to find it for you. Wow a rehab that figures out why the patient uses in the first place! Sounds awesome!
Well my sentencing is in less than 20 days and yes I’m a nervous wreck. I need a lot of prayers and I hope that you continue to pray for me. You have all been very very supportive and you have no idea how much that means to me. I truly can’t wait to write my book and tell the world the true story of the demise of the best treatment facility on the East Coast.  Long live ASI/MES!!

I receive phone calls daily from addicts who are very confused about Suboxone and the 12 step program. I apologize to all of you 12 steppers however my suggestion and recommendation to the addict whois on Suboxone is to keep their mouth shut and do not tell anybody. It’s just not safe to tell anybody because at this stage of the game you will be shunned from Narcotics Anonymous.
Oh I’m sure that many of you will have comments for me and will not like what I’m saying. I believe that it must be sad though. People are dying because of other people’s ignorance. This has been true for centuries. It’s time to wake up, it’s 2017.