I have been thinking more than usual lately. And for longer periods of time. Probably because I am at a major turning point in my life. In the past, I have divided my life into time periods………..
starting with age 10 – 14: My father died suddenly of a massive heartattack when I was 10 years old…as a result, the trauma caused me major memory loss from birth to the age of 10. When asked about my childhood, I always start with my fathers death and end with it. I remember nothing else of my childhood other than his death. It was a very very significant incident which affected my entire family. I was home with only my mother. Both of my brothers were married and I was left alone with a very depressed, sad and lonely mother. She did nothing but sit on the end of her couch and cry at night. I hated being home. I was angry at my mother.
Age 15 – 29: I smoked marijuana for the first time and got drunk at age 15. I FINALLY felt RELIEF. The sadness was gone. The anger was gone. It was great !! I was happy (at least I thought I was) I became a full blown heroin addict after going through every drug there was on the market
Age 29 – 39: I got clean at age 29. I went back and got a Masters Degree and had four children. I got clean right before wine coolers came out. I never tasted a wine cooler !
Age 40 – 49: I started a large business and played soccer mom to four children
Age 50 – present: I ran a very large profitable treatment center; had everything I ever wanted; spiritually, emotionally, financially and LOST IT ALL………….the FEDS closed us down over a witch hunt.
TODAY—-Starting over. In every area of life. Full of fear and full of faith at the same time. Trying to figure out who I am. Again.
That is merely a recap of my life. I will be explicit later, but for now, I want to give you an idea of where I am and what I am about to do……well, I’m not so sure I can tell you what I’m about to do because I truly don’t have a clue. I’m ready to embark on a new career……………..and travel an exciting, different journey and I do not know where it is going to take me or where I’m going to end up. It is scary and I am full of fear.
When I was growing up, I had a brother who was exactly 20 years older than me. He raised me. He became my father.I hung my hat on every word he said. I idolized my brother. I sought his approval constantly. I wrote a lot of poetry. Even though I was a hippie, rebellious, using drugs and wasting my life away, I still tried my hardest to please him. I majored in Journalism at WVU because my brother thought I was good writer. I graduated with a degree but never wrote anything again. I journaled because I was depressed but I never really wrote much……until now. Writing makes me feel better. It stops my mind from reeling in so many different directions. Writing is helping through this pain. Thank you all for supporting me…………….I truly mean that.
My kids made me a FACEBOOK page today ! And an Instagram!!!!!!! And they are making me a YOUTUBE Channel !! I’m going to have my own YOUTUBE channel ! I’m going to be on TV !!! hahahaha I don’t know much about this Social Media stuff, but my kids do and for whatever reason when I am writing on here I feel close to people. I feel close to my old patients. I feel close to ASI. I feel in touch with all that I have lost over the past year. Pain shared is pain lessened. So we have learned in recovery. It is so very true.
Watching my children handle this situation has truly given me more strength and courage than one can imagine. I was able to give my kids everything and anything. I don’t think I ever said “no” to them. The reason for that? Because they barely EVER asked for ANYTHING and they were extremely grateful for anything and everything they were given. I truly struggled with telling them that we lost everything. My kids grew up hearing about how ugly addiction is and they lived with watching recovery help people get their lives back. They learned about the 12 Steps. They learned about forgiveness. They learned about “giving” and not “taking”. They learned about gratitude and acceptance. They learned about having a God of their understanding. They learned the importance of “family” and the importance of “love”. They learned to open their home to the homeless.
They watched people take our kindness for weakness and they watched us get robbed and violated many times by those same people that we helped and that we took into our home. Again, they learned to forgive. One might say that our family is codependent. I, too, have wondered this about us. Merely because there is a very fine line between loyalty and codependency. My family is loyal. They are loyal to each other and they are loyal to their family. They are very loyal to their friends and to people that we let get close. They have certain expectations of people who say “I love you”. They know what they feel. They know who they are. My kids have never touched a drink of alcohol or a drug (including marijuana). I personally am baffled by this. They were NEVER told NOT to do drugs…….they were only told that ADDICTION IS HEREDITARY and it is a FAMILY ILLNESS. They were told that genetically the odds were totally against them…….that there is a very good chance that if they start using drugs or alcohol, they won’t be able to stop. I remember the first night my oldest son came home with his friends after being at a party. There were about 6 boys. They went into the kitchen and I was in the Family Room. I watched them start cooking eggs and eating peanut butter and jelly BEFORE they ate the eggs. I watched them eat cereal and cookies and ice cream and eggs and bacon and toast. I watched them laugh at stupid stuff and then I decided to go into the kitchen and join them. I said, “Wow guys, how much weed did you smoke tonight??” They looked dumbfounded. They said “No, No Mrs. Sugs, we don’t smoke weed, not us………………” My son said, “Guys, it’s cool. You can tell her….she can tell on her own…you can’t get away with it here………” It was a precious moment in motherhood !!!! They FROZE and were scared to death. I looked at my son and I said, “So, did you like it?” He said, “Oh not me Mum, I didn’t smoke, they will tell you………….” It was a very relaxed conversation and I knew he wasn’t lying. His friends all vouched for him and I told them that I believed him because I could tell. So we had a great conversation and they said to my son, “Anthony why don’t you want to try weed?” Anthony said, “I already like how I feel, I don’t need to change that……………” To be perfectly honest with all of you, we as parents NEVER UNDERSTOOD why our four kids made the choice to NOT experiment with drugs or alcohol. I truly believe that God was putting me in my place. I was very cocky thinking that we were totally prepared for when our kids started getting high. We were the parents that “KNEW HOW TO HANDLE IT”….. well, God fixed us…… we did NOT know how to handle four kids who never tried a drink or a drug. They confused the hell out of us. I found the addict in me thinking that my kids were MISSING something ! How ridiculous is that ? They amazed me. I was shocked at how well they handle themselves under peer pressure. My son said, “Mom, you are more concerned about us not experimenting than WE are……………get over it. It’s no big deal.” He was right. My kids are very close. We are a close family and I am grateful for them. My one fear was that my kids would hate being at home like I did. I wanted to make sure that they never felt that way. We as parents succeeded at that.
I feel like I’m rambling. I guess I needed to !! Oh well, maybe when I start VLOGGING I won’t RAMBLE as much!!! Hmmmmmm………….I’ll be talking ……I need to stop lying to myself……someone is going to have to tell me to shut up !!!!
Thank you so much for all of your support and for listening to me ramble !!! The Sugarmann’s need your prayers………please send up a few a night for us !!! If you are suffering from the disease of addiction as an addict OR as a powerless family member who doesn’t want to be powerless do not lose HOPE. There is HOPE for you or your loved ones to get the help that they need. If you are struggling and need someone to talk to, message me on my NEW FACEBOOK PAGE…..Aheroinestory……….
And stay tuned for my new YOUTUBE CHANNEL…we are going to have a ball on there !!! A private YOUTUBE CHANNEL with ME !! Sounds great right !!!!???? hahahaha