I’m blocked. I guess this is writers block ? I’m so frustrated with life right now. I’m so frustrated with people. And God ? Well this is what separates the men from the boys. “God doesn’t close one door without opening another…….” “God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle”………… “God will never let us fall”…………………Not that I’m blaming God for any of this. God gave us free will. My son laughed at me when I told him that this is all Adam & Eve’s fault. They ate the apple after God told them not to and we have been paying a price ever since !! So of course, as I sit here bitching about God, I got a phone call from one of my son Anthony’s friends who I have known since he was a young boy. He is an addict. I tried to help him nine years ago but he was not ready. He has 105 days sober right now. He saw the GO FUND ME page on Facebook. He was quite upset. He made amends to me and we talked about how he was not ready to get clean and how grateful he is to have had contact with us and had the seed planted. It was so nice to talk with him.
The past twenty years I drove to Uniontown every day and spent my days working with addicts and helping them to get clean. And on October 8, 2015 our entire world crashed. Literally, it CRASHED. I still don’t know what happened or why it happened. I always thought that we were supposed to be innocent until proven guilty…..not guilty until proven innocent. So many have twisted opinions. I was taught that we have to “give” in order to “get”. The FBI came to my home in June of 2015 and sat at my kitchen table and said……..”you know that you rub elbows with some pretty corrupt people in Fayette County?” I thought they meant drug addicts ! I really can’t any farther with the conversation we had. At some point it will all come out. And I truly cannot wait for that day. The ironic thing was that the addicts were the ones that were/are loyal. The people who I helped the most, who I thought were my friends, are the ones who literally lied and stabbed us in the back. I’m baffled. I just keep having one conversation after another with God. I’m trying to quiet my mind so I can listen. So I can hear what He is saying. So I can get some sort of answer for what is happening now. I’m baffled at all of this.
So living life on life’s terms is really rough at times. I have heard this at least once a day since October 8, 2015…….”Roz, have you felt like using? So, on October 8, 2015, 60 FBI Agents raided our facility. On January 8, 2016 I was indicted and on April 30, 2015 the State shut down our entire facility and on July 28, 2016 my husband told me that he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he would be having surgery on August 4. He also informed me that he has known for the past two months. He did not want to overwhelm us he said. So really, “Roz, do you feel like using?” is not a ridiculous question at all. Fortunately, I KNOW that using will NOT make it better. I know that using will hurt everyone in my life and mostly it will hurt me. However, the true answer to that question is……”YES, I feel like using.”
So we are starting over again. To wake up in the morning and not know how to pay for a tank of gas is a bit humbling. Our kids are literally a blessing; a gift from God. They are the victims in all of this. They did nothing to deserve to suffer like this. I’m amazed at their ability to love me & Sean unconditionally. I’m amazed that they have been nothing at all but loving, caring and supportive. I’m amazed that they have not complained once and have only shown concern. I’m just amazed that they have not judged us or questioned us once. They are TRUE TRUE BLESSINGS.
When the praises go up, the blessings come down.