Mario: So Roz, what is your first memory of childhood?
Roz: I remember my father’s death. I was 10 years old. He died of a massive heart
attack. In fact I don’t remember anything prior to being 10 yrs. old. and I don’t
remember anything until the age of 16 when I smoked my first joint.
My father’s death changed our lives. It changed our family. It changed my mother. Actually, she died too. She died mentally & spiritually. I had a brother who was 21 years old and another brother who was 30 years old. They adored my father. I was Daddy’s little
girl. My middle brother had peptic ulcers. “A nervous stomach” as my mom called it. He almost died. He was so handsome and he could sing really well. My oldest brother became my father. He raised me. He was married with 3 children and lived an hour away. He was strict. He was my God. He was my hero. He took on the role of my father.
I was angry at my mother. She abandoned me. She cried for days and nights on end. She sat on the end of the couch and cried with her black stockings rolled around her ankles. We went from a family of five to me and my mother. I hated being at home.
I suffered from the disease of Italianism as well as the disease of addiction. I had a pit in
my stomach. A hole in my stomach. I didn’t know what it was. I could not fill it.
When I picked up marijuana for the first time the hole was gone. I felt so much better. I could go on and on and on …………..I was a Hippie. I grew up in the ’70’s. My mother blamed my addiction on the way I looked at the BEATLES the night they were on the Ed Sullivan show. I used every drug there was between the ages of 16-29.
I started using heroin at the age of 20. All of my problems were gone…………..so I thought. Why do we use? Why can’t we stop?
I’ll have to write more later. Remembering what life was like before I entered the world of recovery is painful. Was I born an addict? Did I use because I was extremely depressed and I self medicated? The only way I could function was to get high first.
What was your first childhood memory?